Seven Chopped ‘N’ Screwed Tracks That Shouldn’t Work But Do
Disclaimer: If you’re not from Houston and/or are voting for Donald Trump, you might not know anything about screw music. If this is the case, I can’t help you. This is for advanced-intermediate screwheads only.
I’ve been listening to Chopped ‘N’ Screwed for as long as I can remember, pretty exclusively within the genre of hip-hop. Something about the snares and ambient bass of most hip-hop production hits so much harder when it’s slowed down. However, throughout my life as a “screwhead,” I’ve found a good amount of songs within other genres that sound dope when they’ve been properly chopped by a decent DJ. This is eight of these songs. If you hate something on this list please just be glad that I didn’t include The Plain White T’s “Hey There, Delilah.” Obviously I love and care about you.
Tech N9ne, “Worldwide Choppers”
The fact that this CNS mix works so well is surprising. Tech N9ne is, for better or worse, usually lumped in with dudes like Cage and Aesop Rock, rappers that appeal to a certain demographic of hip-hop fans who prefer to carry their belongings in a *cough* specific type of tote designed to be worn on the back, you feel me?
Point is, this mix is dope. The speed change really highlights how technical a lot of these cats’ verses are, and if you’re like me and aren’t crazy about that rappity-rap stuff, this really brings it down to my speed. Also, whoever chopped it did a great job with looping, and the slower pace makes it way easier to understand all that gibberish these dudes are spitting.
P.S. Twista sounds exactly like Biggie on this joint.
Miley Cyrus, “Party in the USA”
Don’t lie to me—we both know you know every word to this song. This track was inescapable in like, 2009, when every pool party and grocery store was pumping it. I don’t even know how I found this one if I’m being honest. I was probably extremely lonely and wanted to reminisce about the last time Miley Cyrus’ music didn’t give me gas.
This screwed version is something else though. It’s like the original all over again ‘cause I can’t get it out of my head, and also it makes me crave a cheesy backyard barbecue out of a Superbowl commercial. Plus, now the mystery of whether Miley says “fame and sex” or “fame excess” has been solved. It’s the second one, and my grandmother will be very relieved.
I love Ke$ha and you can go away. Ke$ha is a pop music goddess who deserves way more recognition than she gets. Who else in this god-forsaken universe can keep pumping out hit after hit about ingesting glitter for seven years?
Also this mix is pretty cool.
Celine Dion, “A New Day Has Come”
This one goes out to all of you who hear the name Celine Dion and immediately are overcome with bad memories of watching a 13-hour movie about a cold boat. Celine is so much more than the soundtrack to Leonardo Dicaprio’s watery death door adventure. This beautiful Canadian angel has the ability to bring grown men and women to their knees in tears with nothing but her perfect pitch and a loving best-friend’s-mom face.
I’ll be honest on this one—it puts me right to sleep, but that’s kind of the point. Anytime I’m experiencing a little bit of casual insomnia, I throw this on and Celine’s syrupy vocals take me on a blissful journey to the dreamland, floating there on a broken door with Kate Winslet.
The Beach Boys, “All I Wanna Do”
Aight lemme preface this by saying I can’t stand The Beach Boys. “Pet Sounds” is an overrated whine-fest about being 14 and is directly responsible for the pop-punk movement, which ruined a generation of young, spiky-haired kids in the early 2000s. I get it, Brian Wilson—it’s soooo hard to be an awkward white kid in whatever decade Mad Men took place in. Just please chill. All your other albums are about hanging ten and living that cowabunga life so please do us all a favor and get back to catching some totes gnarly waves, dude. Good work on the Curious George 2: Follow That Monkey soundtrack though man; that joint was funky.
With all that being said, this is one of my favorites on this list. The background vocals are super ethereal and ghostly, and this entire track feels like the background music to the eerie dream sequence in a David Lynch movie. Maybe if all classic rock sounded like this, I’d actually like some of it and my dad would tell me he loved me.
Chopin, “Opera 9 No.2”
I dunno what to say about this one, honestly. I’m so confused in so many ways. I never thought I’d say this, but I am in love with chopped ’n screwed classical music. I can’t even believe I just typed that. This is the weirdest day of my life. I took a classical music class freshman year, and if I had known that all of the symphonies we studied were available as chopped ’n screwed mixes, who knows? Maybe I wouldn’t still be a freshman.
This mix is tight though. It reminds me of a movie score—like something Hanz Zimmer would do. It doesn’t even sound like classical music, but more like something Kanye would have sampled during the MBDTF era. This isn’t the only chopped ‘n screwed classical piece by the way—there are tons. Bach, Mozart, Vivaldi, all slowed down on YouTube tinted-purple artist portraits as cover art. Some of them even have “trapaholics” DJ tags. What a time to be alive.
Michael Jackson, “Ghosts”
This one is kind of spooky when slowed down, and is actually a part of a huge collection of Screwed M.J. songs available on the internet (including “Thriller” chopped and screwed by Slim K himself ). Now, say what you will about Jackson’s 40-minute music video “Ghosts” (i.e. it’s an awful tour of my great aunt’s house led by two characters both played by Michael Jackson, a la the classic Eddie Murphy vehicle, Norbit), but the soundtrack bangs.
The song is good on its own, but when it’s slowed like this. it really sounds like a track straight out of the mid-‘90s Houston scene. Throw Big Moe or HAWK on this and you have a certified H-Town anthem.
Sidenote: the snares on this sound exactly like the bonus star round in Mario Party 4 and that is OK with me.