Ten Animals That Are More Hip-Hop Than You

Humans are animals–all that separates us from chimpanzees are opposable thumbs and our subscriptions to Harper’s; no amount of self-ascribed meaning averts the fact that we share many of the same emotions and motivations as the rest of the earth’s creatures. Animals, too, want to wear Carhartts and freestyle about “real hip-hop.” If you gave the ferocious honey badger a chance, would he try to rap along with Young Thug? Would a whale ever describe himself as “Mr. Steal Yo Girl”? Find out inside.

Mimic Octopus

The mimic octopus goes a step further than a chameleon: not only can it change color, it can change texture, and physically mimic the behavior of more intimidating creatures when eluding predators. Thus, the only thing keeping the mimic octopus from being a successful studio gangster is its inability to survive on land.

Honey Badger

The rap industry is a savage, unfriendly place, and thick skin and relentlessness are valuable qualities in a rapper. The thick-skinned honey badger is one of the most courageous animals in the wild. Despite its relatively small size (20-35 lbs.), the honey badger will relentlessly repel predators up to the size of a lion. Kind of like Bushwick Bill.

Grouped Fish

Grouped fish, moving in the same direction, are called “schools.” One of the benefits of these groupings is protection from predators. Rappers do something similar with their hangers-on: interdependents, with less or no talent of their own, will often procure and hide illicit materials, or take the blame for the actions of others.
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Deep-sea fish

Deep-sea fish exist largely without light, under pressure that’d crush humans, at low temperatures and oxygen levels, with few sources of prey. They’re the underground rappers of the ocean. Like deep-sea fish, underground rappers get no shine, and have to deal with the pressures of holding down a day job(s) while pursuing their goal of signing to Mello Music Group or Rhymesayers.

Darwin’s finches

When Charles Darwin visited the Galapagos Islands, he found that the native birds had varying beaks, seemingly dependent on their food sources. These findings, along with analysis from ornithologist John Gould, heavily influenced how Darwin viewed the evolutionary process. Like Darwin’s finches, the most successful rappers evolve: Snoop Dogg does everything from endorse local car dealerships to making songs with Stevie Wonder, while Jay Z married rich and runs a successful durag emporium. Ya’ man a finch.

Humpback Whale

Males humpback whales and Indian Ocean blue whales have been found vocalizing a series of repetitious sounds, whose composition is based on a strict hierarchical structure. Scientists believe the purpose of these songs is to enhance their chances of finding a mate during mating season–they’re essentially the singin’-ass rappers of the ocean. Like Future, their pain runs deeper than the ocean. Unlike Future, they will chose you over “the dirty.”

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Peacock

A peacock’s ability to attract mates is directly related to its plumage; peafowl base their preference for a partner based on a number of factors, but a peacock’s genetic strength is indicated by their feathers. Similarly, rappers’ ability to attract mates is often inextricable from the material goods with signify (at least temporary) abundance.

Sharks

Great white sharks are known for being predators with bites easily capable of taking chunks out of living creatures, man or cetacean. Rappers have been known to be biters, too. Raekwon and Ghostface Killah took a firm stand on Only Built 4 Cuban Linx: biters will not be tolerated, even if they’re the Notorious B.I.G. and your groupmate, Method Man, is on his album.

Tyrannosaurus rex

The Tyrannosaurus rex was the apex predator of the Cretacean period, and is thought to have been an opportunistic carnivore, equally capable of scavenging and hunting its food. Like the T.rex, The Game is fond of beef. The T.rex is believed to have been feathered, a feature which somehow makes them less terrifying; The Game, too, is somehow less terrifying when you consider the butterfly tattoo he had on his face, and his appearance on dating show Change of Heart. It’s unknown whether or not the T.rex repped Compton.

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