Eight Possible Job Descriptions For Your Overgrown Rap Entourage
MC Hammer supposedly spent $500,000 per month maintaining his vast entourage. What were his clique doing to earn their keep? Hammer pants tailor? Leather-suspenders lubricator? While the tasks essential to a rapper’s lifestyle may seem trivial to outsiders, they help to keep the money flowing. (That flow is mostly outbound.) Rappers, in contemporary political jargon, are job creators. Here’s a series of job listings for which you, Green Label reader, may be uniquely qualified. A career in Yes Man-ing awaits!
Qualifications: Ideally, a knowledge of barbering and ability to laugh at bad jokes
Responsibilities: Lining up the hair, beards, and mustaches of rappers and other entourage members. Performance bonuses for intricate designs and eyebrow notches are included; Soulja Boy’s barber would be well compensated under these terms.
Qualifications: The ability to nod your head and say “Yes.”
Responsibilities: While this is ostensibly straightforward, the vagaries of a Yes Man can get complicated. It’s 4:30 a.m. Can you get cheesecake from a very specific restaurant in Brooklyn? “Yes.” Should I paint my BMW a metallic gold that no cop within ten miles be able to ignore? “Yes.” Is giving my girlfriend creative input on this album a good idea? “Yes.”
Qualifications: Expert command of a takeout menu, addition and subtraction, a driver’s license, good interpersonal skills.
Responsibilities: The Food Getter must spearhead takeout efforts, which, for a single person is a simple enough task. Remembering who, in a posse of twenty, doesn’t want onions on their cheeseburger, or who has a nut allergy, or what percentage fat of steaks a rapper’s cockamamie new age diet calls for, is a challenge of another kind.
Video Game Loser
Qualifications: Some experience with contemporary video game systems, patience, passable acting experience
Responsibilities: Video Game Losers don’t always have to lose at video games–they just have to do it more often than they win in order to maintain subservience. Video Game Losers must display proficiency in missing jump shots in 2K and an odd inability to take cover in first-person shooters. Acting crestfallen when they lose is important to maintaining the charade for Video Game Losers.
Music Video Menacer
Qualifications: High-level scowling.
Responsibilities: Music Video Menacers stand behind or next to–never in front of–rappers in order to bolster their street cred. Menacers must appear terrifying, be that through DMX-level intensity or having an empty, nothing-behind-the-eyes stare.
Stage Clogger/Microphone Demander
Qualifications: Knowledge of (some) lyrics, average proprioception
Responsibilities: The Stage Clogger/Microphone Demander does what the best hangers-on do: Subsume a degree of fame from another person. They, microphone in hand, aim to give the impression that they too have talent and are important. More likely, they’re employed doing one, or many, of the other jobs on this list.
Qualifications: A driver’s license which hasn’t been suspended or revoked, car insurance, up-to-date registration
Responsibilities: This one should be self-evident. The Driver’s license should be in effect, and their automobile should be registered and insured. Unlike the other entourage members, the Driver is actually important: he helps to eliminate a major source of police search and seizure by driving responsibly, though there’s still no accounting for racial profiling.
Qualifications: Salesmanship, a winning smile, bad ideas which promise unrealistic return on investment
Responsibilities: “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Such is the case with the Bad Investment. They’re a smooth talker with no experience running a legal business, who, even if well-intentioned, will inevitably lose money. The funds invested in the apparel company Bad Investment is pitching could be better spent on government bonds.
Images: David Park